I managed to make 52 minutes with a perfectly straight back and moving my legs, arms and back MINIMALLY. Fantastic! I was gutted that those final 8 minutes seemed so far away though. Still, I’m incredibly proud of myself. AND I managed to do it after small amounts of sleep at 4:30AM! I could NEVER do anything in the past mornings but today I actually managed to fully focus. And focus on meditation rather than food or my lack of sleep like usual. Go me!
And then everything changed…
It became the hardest day yet. My back issues returned and I wasn’t feeling purity or equanimity. Instead I was feeling frustration and agitation. I was lacking patience with myself and was constantly wondering if others were feeling the same. Negativity hit me and I assumed that they were all succeeding in comparison to me. These thoughts only lead to further frustration. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m already past half way through the course to keep me motivated.
I leave the group hall and chose to sit alone in my room. I reach onto my bed, toss my pillow on the floor and throw myself against the wall. I then place my petite personal pillow behind my lower back and sit in my correct position. Now I don’t have to concentrate on holding my back straight but instead can just focus on all of my sensations. I reason with myself and agree to have a 15 minute break before a hard core, completely still and focused sitting of an hour.