Differences in reactions


In regards to my broken camera, I think about how different this reaction was in comparison to how I would have reacted living in London. I would have gone mental. The old Luana would have made a scene and moaned about it forever more. 

In regards to my past relationship I would complain about anything and everything possible. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy in a good situation. Maybe because I didn’t feel I deserved to be happy and for everything in this very moment to be perfect for me? For whatever reason, I wouldn’t allow it. I had to find something wrong. They say you should always pick your battles. But not only would I pick every battle under the sun but I would even go out in search of more battles. I would pull up carpets and get on my hands and knees to find something to moan about.
And now here’s me in India. Not too bothered about the things that i should be more so than those of London. The fact that it’s difficult to stay connected to Internet, or to have water to shower or electricity at night to read.
In Jodhpur I had a toilet in my room which didn’t work. I also was a tad ill around that time and so of all possible times, THIS is the time that you would want a working flush. But I really didn’t care. Not even a bit. I got my bucket and filled it with water from my shower several times and flushed the water away myself.
Of course I told the owner it was broken but when he then shouted for staff to call a plumber (in all their Hindi conversation ‘plumber’ was the only word used which was English) I told him to relax and fix it later as I was in no rush. I simply felt that it would be an issue which others after me would complain about.
It’s strange that I look back and think about past arguments I created about washing up dishes or watching tv. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about how pathetically ridiculous I was.
But that was then and this is now. I’m just thankful that I can now see how I was rather than having just been oblivious to it all. Maybe everyone does things like this? Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was never to be able to see how I was till after when I look back upon it? Irrelevant of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybe this happened because..’ I have still learnt from the experience. And when it’s impossible to change the past, isn’t learning from it all that matters in the end?