Day 9

Today I genuinely think that I’ve hit a wall. I’m so close to the end and yet I’m feeling the want to cave. It’s downright ridiculous. How can this day of all of them be the most difficult? Nothing wanted to cooperate. Not my body. Not my mind. And not my soul. I was feeling tired, drowsy and pathetic. I put the soles of my feet together and place my knees to the ground. I then continue to flump my body down and rest my head onto my feet so that I look like a giant frog-like creature. Moments later I elevate my body into my usual meditation posture to realise that I must have been asleep for the past 30 minutes or so. It wasn’t the least comfortable sleep I have ever had but it was abnormal enough.

My mind was feeling pure agony as if it had done and endured so much in these past few days that it simply couldn’t take any more. It was all too much now. My body ached all over. I had a banging headache and cramps filled my stomach. Don’t even get me started on how my neck was feeling. And with all of this going on, what could my soul do without its two companions; mind and body?

It was only after lunch that I realised that these pains, aches and moments of being purely pathetic were just sensations which I was feeling. And what have I learnt that sensations do? They pass away just as easily as they arise. And as I spent a few moments analysing such they all seemed to vanish almost instantly. I felt great. Powerful even. Being able to control parts of me I never thought I would be able to.

I continued to repeat the words ‘I am equanimous. I have equanimity. I have a balanced and equanimous mind’ over and over again for a good 30 minutes. And voila, I did again. All three of us did; my mind, my body and my soul.

So here I am. Balanced… Happy… And equanimous.

Caving? My arse, am I going to!